


InfoShards!

by Rhydeble



Category: Stormlight Archive - Brandon Sanderson
Genre: Gen, Humor, Infowars, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-02
Updated: 2018-08-02
Packaged: 2019-06-20 18:01:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15539874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rhydeble/pseuds/Rhydeble
Summary: Using the power of spanreeds, Alexel Jonos informs the people of Roshar about the true nature of the world, and how secret herald Taravangian send a Shin Voidbringer to kill king Gavilar only so that his surgeons could have secret dealings with the Nightwatcher! The Voidbringer New Rosharan Order must be stopped! Jasnah and Shallan don't buy it, but are still interested, if only for comedic value.





	InfoShards!

"So Shallan, how familiar are you with the modern use of spanreeds in global communications?" Jasnah asked, stern eyes interrogating me.

"They're fabrials, one matched to the other, meaning you can use them to privately exchange messages with whoever holds the partner of the one you hold. However, this can make it difficult to communicate with people whose spanreed you do not have. Therefore, relay stations, mostly found in nations in Tashikk, although their location is quite irrelevant due to the nature of spanreeds, have been set up to allow their customer to, for a price, contact anyone else with a fabrial at that relay station," I replied, hoping my answer would be satisfactory.

"Correct," Brightness Jasnah said. "However, these relay stations also create a problem."

"That you cannot be certain the person you are writing to is the only person getting the message? This is why codes are generally used, right?"

"Right. Theoretically speaking, the relay station has copies of every bit of text that goes through them, and by their nature they could easily send the message twice, if someone wishes to snoop in."

"Couldn't they even just bind two spanreeds together physically? Or with a second gemstone inside the stylus?" I asked, suddenly curious as to what Jasnah was aiming for. She'd started interrogating me on the topic after one of her spanreeds, one marked with the symbol of one of the ten fools, had started flashing.

"You're starting to sound like my mother," Jasnah said, with equal parts annoyance and admiration. "In fact, some stations have done exactly this thing. Some manual labor remains, since the force required to move thousands of styluses at once is too large to allow for proper writing, but stations have been set up to multiply important messages, allowing highlords to send simultaneous messages to all of their brighteyed subjects, for example."

"And I take it this stylus is one of those then?" I asked, looking at the message written in hard, violent lines.

"While yes, this is indeed a multi-recipient spanreed, it's not quite a highlord on the other side," Jasnah explained. "In fact, I'm not quite sure whether he is a genius that has seen the true nature of the world, or completely insane, just take a look."

I stepped forward, taking the time to read the text, and was promptly flatfooted.

_Hello everyone this is Alexel Jonos, bringing you the only free news on all of Roshar! But first of all let me give some thanks to this week's sponsor, BRAINBRIAL, the fabrial that makes your brain better! Just load it up and you become way smarter than you were before which shows the power of human ingenuity!_

_And you all know how important I believe it is to be human, unlike those monsters who started the war of Reckoning! Now Alexel, you may say, do you really believe the mainstream explanation that the Parshendi are responsible for assassinating the Alethi King? Of course not, who would believe that? How would they even get their hands on a Shin assassin? It makes no sense!_

_Do you want the truth? The truth is that it was an inside job! Yes, you heard that right! The Alethi elites were responsible for killing king Gavilar! Because they didn't like that a real redblooded and passionate man could be in charge of one of the nations of Roshar! Because they, and others of their like all over the globe hate us! They hate that we can be free and they want to stop us!_

_Yes, you heard it here first, there is a faction of voidbringers within the Alethi ruling classes, led by none other than the duplicitous highlord Amaram, whose reputation for honour is only matched by the vileness of his true nature! For what are his people doing while the real humans are fighting to avenge their king? They're attacking their fellow man!_

_Except they're not, because their not even really humans! That's why they attack other humans, because they're secretly disguised voidbringers working for the broken one, trying to bring back the desolations!_

_And that's why it's important to keep this operation running, and you can help me, by purchasing our PREMIUM CREM! Unlike normal crem, which has been created by the Herdazians as a plot against proper Vorin people to take their jobs, PREMIUM CREM includes real carbon, the same thing as diamonds are made of!_

_Now, you might ask why you would want a lowly gem like diamond in your crem, but don't be deceived! The only reason we believe one gemstone to be more expensive than another is because of the gemstone cabal! So actually, the cheapest of gemstones is the one with the highest quality, because if they let everyone else chase after coloured gemstones they can get their deceptive little hands on the diamonds!_

_That's because moneychangers worship the Nightwatcher, because they know that if they use the diamonds as payment, they can get the ability to steal souls from their master, and become voidbringers themselves!_

_So how would they hide their ability to steal souls? Well, how would you even check? Simple, you go to a surgeon, except problem! The physickers are in on it too! That's right, what do you think they're doing when they open you up? They're stealing your soul and selling it to the Nightmother!_

_They're doing this because if the Voidbringers return, then Taravangian, who is secretly the Herald Pailiah, will be joined by his fellow Heralds, who will take the place of all the other rulers of every country! That's why Taravangian and the lizard-voidbringers of the Alethi elite worked together to hire a Shin assassin!_

_The assassin in white however, does not just kill kings! In fact, important people have told me that he's been putting strange spren in the highstorms to control your brains with! That's another reason you should be buying our PREMIUM CREM for which you can get fifteen percent off if you order through our store in Azimir! Just make sure to use a trusted messenger, and buy some truthberry jam as well! You can feed it to your darkeyed servants and interrogate them to make sure they're not secretly voidbringers!_

_Because beware, darkeyes are the main servants in the secret shadow war between the extra-planetary ghost-lizards of honour and the voidbringers, both the groups doing battle over our very souls beneath our eyes!_

_You may think it's just a bar brawl, but it's actually a battle between secret societies hidden under our very eyes! They've even infiltrated the spren themselves, making some of them talk!_

_That's why whenever you hear a spren talking to you, you should immediately tell the authorities and let them deal with it._

_There are good people on Roshar dealing with just that problem, led by a darkskinned man called Nale! And though you might be afraid, it's only just to trust in him, because we humans need to band together in the war against all these evil spren and such!_

_To support this war, remember not to pay your taxes if your local lord is a voidbringer! Voidbringers can never be trusted and they'll trade your hard-earned spheres for souls and alcohol! They'll just drink it away like the parasites they are! Just make sure to look at their eyes!_

_If they're bright, that means they have a powerful soul, but it could also mean that they've eaten so many souls that their eyes have become bright because of that, so you can never trust a bright-eyes. But the only thing as dangerous as a soul-eating voidbringer is a soulless man, because they'll do anything to get what they want!_

_That's why darkeyes are lower than lighteyes, because darkeyes can't be trusted, because you don't know if they have a soul or not! Now I'm not saying that all darkeyes are soulless monstrosities, I'm just saying that, when the darkeyed are sending their people, they're not sending their best! They're murderers, thieves and slaves. And some, I assume, are good people! Both sides people, both sides!_

_This was Alexel Jonos from InfoShards! Remember to fight the good fight if you're a righteous hotblooded male! Evil, we're coming for you! So watch your step Rosharist elites!_

"And?" Jasnah asked as I finished reading.

"It's… I don't understand. It's utter gibberish, but I just can't put it down."


End file.
